Dear Bicycle Enthusiasts

Hello all of you Lance Armstrong wannabes.

Today I saw you. I wasn't particularly happy about this. You see, I have to question your judgement when you choose to ride your overpriced bikes into the heart of a tourist trap and I get even more upset when the route that you choose to travel is the only state highway leading to our little hamlet.

I've got to admit, my car is a piece of shit. But simple science tells me that in a battle between my car and your bike, I'll win every time. That means you shouldn't try to pass someone while traveling through an intersection and on the state highway. If you absolutely must pass (I understand it's a race) then I would strongly encourage you to look behind you before pulling within a foot of the highway centerline. As I mentioned earlier, my car isn't the greatest. It takes me longer than others to make a complete stop from 55 miles per hour.

But it's all in good fun and a worthy cause, right? You're racing to help find a cure for Leukemia and Lymphoma. You're racing 150 miles to do it. Yeah, that's all fine and dandy, but I have to make a few points:

1. You look gay in your little biker shorts and super tight racing jerseys.
2. No matter how long you fantasize, you'll never be the next Lance Armstrong.
3. Oblong helmets make you look like an alien.
4. Drop the zero and get with the hero.

Next time I see you, you just might get run over. I wouldn't do it on purpose, but it could happen. Next year, pick a different route or stay the fuck home.

Sincerely,

Wiggle Dick