Some Soul Food.

No, not that kind of soul food.

Activity: Self Evaluation. Mood: Melancholy/Introspection.

Something I've stayed away from on this blog, until now, is the crossroads I'm about to encounter. Work is so-so. It could be better and it certainly could be a lot worse. No doubt it's playing a factor in my mood, but it's not the driving force.

It's the kids.

My two kids live with their mother in the same town as me, and I see them regularly. Just about every weekend. And that's all about to change. My ex is remarried, to a guy on active duty in the Army, and he recently received orders to do a tour in Germany for 3 years. So we're going from a every weekend/every other weekend visitation schedule to having them for the summers. At least I won't be going a couple of years without seeing them.

It still makes me sad though. They are 5 & 6, and this is the age where you can really make an impression on them. The age where you really start to understand what is right and what is wrong, how to be a good citizen, and things like that. I feel like I'm going to be missing out on all of that. It makes me angry. In the end my wife and I didn't see eye-to-eye, but I'll give her this much: she's a good mother in terms of caring for the kids. I know that even though I'm not there, the kids will always be #1. The part that worries me though is her values. We don't always agree there, but fortunately the kids won't be in Germany when it comes to teaching them about life's lessons.

Worst of all, I feel like I'm going to disappoint them, or make them feel like I'm the one leaving them. Silly thought to be sure, but not when you think about it coming from two youngsters moving to a country where they can't understand what people are saying. Hopefully when they are older, they will understand what happened and not hold it against me.

Thinking about it makes my chest tight.